A loving hug, a listening ear, an assuring whisper
This weekend I went on a Church retreat to Mission Beach. It was actually something I really didn't want to go to because I really didn't know what to expect. Honestly, the thought of going scared me! I didn't know what I was going to get from the experience or if I was going to fit in.
But then I made the decision last week to put those feelings aside and just DO IT! Go and just be expectant that my life was going to change from that whole experience. So I prayed and I definitely received!
The weekend was such an emotional time for me, but also a big eye opener. Things that were in my subconscious really started to come out in the open over those two days that really made me realise why I'm here. I've always had a heart desire to minister to women who have gone through hardship, but I always held back because I saw myself as too weak. In my own warped mind I thought to myself, "Why minister to women when they are weak, when I am weak myself?"
And then it really hit me..... in my weakness I can be someone else's strength!
I thought back to my most painful moments. In those moments I continually begged and prayed for someone to just UNDERSTAND me. To assure me that I am NOT ALONE through hardship. I wanted a hug and to be told that everything was going to be ok. I wanted to hear from women who have experienced my pain. It sucks to feel like that and I don't wish it upon anyone. When you lie in bed at night and wish that tomorrow wouldn't come because you don't want to experience the next 24 hours. You don't want to be called those names, or treated like an insignificant piece of dirt, or look in the mirror and just to cry at the person looking back at you. It sucks waking up with no sense of identity and an overwhelming feeling of loneliness!
But as soon as I connected with God, I felt such a huge release. I honestly can't explain it. But those who know me can see it and that's enough to see the power of the whole situation. Through this whole time I have been lead to women that have been through my circumstances and are such a positive presence in my life. To hear through every discussion with these women that I'm not alone and everything will be ok is so liberating. It gives me renewed strength to keep walking forwards and figure out who I am. The more I do that, the more fulfilled in my soul I become. I admit I still have a long way to go. I still get quite insecure and I still have my cross that I carry, but I am really working towards repairing that.
Lately I've just had this strong urge to just reach out to others. I want to be that 'hug' for those women who need comfort, that 'ear to listen' and that 'whisper of assurance' to keep moving forwards. It's my continual prayer that no woman should feel alone when they feel lost in their identity. Why should I keep quiet in my journey? I wanted someone to understand me.... I got that. Now is my chance to answer someone else's prayer!
I don't know when this will be realised, but I know if it's in my heart now, it is definitely going to be a big part of my life at some point. I look in anticipation to when that seasonal opportunity arrives!