For quite a number of years I continually asked myself, "When's my moment? Why won't it ever come? When will I ever be good enough?" It never did me any favours because it took so much potential joy and worth away from the great things which I were experiencing because I wanted more than what I already had. Over the last 12 months I have really had to work hard at finding the source of what lead to these thoughts and then changing these thought patterns. There were loads of tears, personal reflection, counselling, soul searching, praying, reading and leaning onto close friends to help me find the answers. I hope the answers I discuss help someone else in a similar situation find some joy within their own life. It's never easy to do, but incredibly rewarding! I want to go through some of my findings…. you never know what similarities you might have.
1. I am always way too hard on myself if I don't live up to my own expectations or what I THINK others expect of me. When things go wrong I always want to blame myself because I see myself as the root of the problem or the dodgy piece of the puzzle.
2. I can get too goal orientated and forget that life never always goes to plan. I crave that moment where someone would want me or I can hold another baby. I wanted to be married with two children before 30 and it hasn't happened - in-fact my romantic life has been a total shambles (with the exception of my beautiful daughter). I think part of my desire for it comes from quite a large volume of my friends being at that stage and I feel like I am a disappointment for not being in that place.
3. I wanted acceptance and validation from other people because it makes me feel useful and important (or 'good enough').
4. After years of bullying and emotional abuse, I wanted to prove that I am significant and worthy.
As I said, I really had to work hard at this. I did a lot of reading and soul searching and started to really 'observe' my own thoughts and behavioural patters. I specifically focused on triggers and escalation points. I won't really go into them here, but what I encourage you to do is to observe your own and look into them further. It could be a life experience, a desire that was never achieved, a specific person, just to name a few.
Here some ways in which I am working on rewiring this mindset, I hope maybe this will help you as well:
1. Take the time recharge your emotional batteries everyday (even if it's for five minutes): It can be as simple as writing about your great traits, reading a book, quietly relaxing with some music in your headphones, painting, playing an instrument, sitting on the beach, writing a journal.
2. Write this quote down and keep it somewhere accessible: " My moment is right now….. this minute. I am important enough and owe it to myself to use this moment to the best of my ability."
3. Be still and stop wanting something that isn't ready for you right now. You don't have it now because you're not meant to have it now! You can desire it and seek it, but right now your goal is to work towards planting the seeds to allow this desire come to fruition. I am coming to accept (although annoying) the quote "It's not no…. just not yet!"
4. Stuff happens and it does you and everyone else a disservice to dwell on it. Mistakes and bad experiences are lessons in motion.
5. Above all things, you are a person, not an experience! Waiting on a moment only defines you by an experience rather than WHO YOU ARE!
6. Celebrate what you have just done rather than dwell on what you haven't done. If you are continually seeking the next experience, you will never be truly satisfied with what you have done.
7. Use those feelings of hurt to love others and fall for yourself again. Your moment that you crave could be a moment for someone else. That kind gesture, touching words, taking the time to teach someone a skill, saving a life, cheering up a friend. Why allow your heart to be full of hurt when you can keep it full of love through service!
I hope this helps someone out. One thing I will add before I sign off: Doing something for the sake of validation from others only robs you of this moment's joy.
Have a lovely evening!