Hardest Habit to Break
It's been a week since I literally went cold turkey on my social media usage. I haven't really missed it at all because I'm enjoying the freedom of working towards truly discovering myself on a deep level. It's been really nice to have that emotional pressure gone and really focusing on what truly matters.
I had a bit of a revelation a few days back. I've been going through the motions of being a single parent and just keeping myself busy to 'numb the pain' of being alone. Some days I would have this small hope that Mr Right would just walk into my life, this single phase of my life would end, I could be a happy married housewife and have more children, wouldn't have to fend for myself and live happily ever after. The reality is I am no where near this happening and I really should just stop trying to hope and pre-empt something that ultimately I have no control over. I keep thinking I'm ready, but really I have ALOT to learn about myself - especially in trying to break old habits and self-doubt thoughts. I mean how can I put myself lovingly into a lifelong commitment if I can't lovingly commit to myself? Why am I worrying about tomorrow when today is where my focus should be?
I've had to really reflect on my bad habits and thoughts of late and really try to focus on doing something about it. Try to work hard on undoing a lifetime of bad habits which do just as much harm to myself as others! I try to hard to please people…. I stress out and get angry when I don't get my way…. I complain when things are getting tough or people peeve me off…. I start negative self-talk to myself because that's what I'm used to…. I get scared and want to run away when things get too hard…. I demand control because it's a security blanket..... All of these bad habits I have picked up through my life! Not to mention not knowing how to deal with males in my life because I've never understood what the good qualities in a man are or how to sit back and let things work in their own timing.
I've really made it a conscious habit to work through breaking these habits. It's really tough and tiring work, but I know I can do it! Sometimes I have to sit on my hands, name my negative thoughts and emotionally fight through the urge to speak out or try and take control, but when I get through those waves, it feels good. Instead of worrying about when this phase of my life will end, I want to start focusing on enjoying every morning that I wake up in it. There are so many things that I can do sufficiently without being attached to a relationship. There are so many more things that I need to contribute to the world, dreams to aspire to and a beautiful child to raise. Through all this I can learn to see my true self and love myself more deeply so I can be a more loving person through my life and interactions.