Joy from the bitter fruit
For the last few days I have been unnecessarily stressing myself out about a situation that was completely out of my control. The stress was at its highest level because I took ownership of how others were affected and allowed the opinions/pressure from others to weigh down on me. For the most part I felt anger and disappointment in myself about how I dispersed my time and energy into this particular project. I took on a work-related project at the start of the year that involved a portion of my spare time at work and a portion of my personal time. Everything was progressing quite well…. until a sudden series of events (which were not within my control), turned my time and energy into a tiny increment of what I had started.
When looking at the whole situation from the outside I almost feel angry with myself that I would invest so much time into something that some of the people involved didn't even seem to care about. I feel sad for the ones that were impacted as well after the hard work they have done. Looking at their faces when I had to break the news to them - it's not the nicest feeling. And then the initial feeling of the embarrassment of going through the experience in front of the one person who I really don't want to see me go through all this. I admit that Friday and yesterday when this was all unfolding, I threw my hands in the air and asked God why He would do this to me right now…. so close to the end..... after all the time and effort I invested. Why did I have to go through the hard work of investing so much time when God knew it was going to come to this? At least I could have invested it in something else! Whatever lesson I'm meant to learn from this, could it have been done in an easier way? Aren't things supposed to work out better when you work hard and give 100%?
Yep.... I threw my Drama Queen tanty..... and through that moment of emotional weakness I was too busy asking the "WHY ME?" Rather than look into the "WHAT is it doing FOR me?"
After I calmed down, I quietly reflected on the whole experience and felt really drawn to four questions:
1. Am I investing my energies in the right place?
2. Am I investing my energy with the right balance to live the best life possible?
3. Are my actions actually aligning with my goals and values?
4. Is my logic or feelings ruling this experience?
Without going too much into my personal reflection, the biggest lessons I had to learn were emotional investment and control. Ultimately, life is full of experiences that fulfil me on many levels…. but also challenge my character on many levels as well. I can't control what has happened, nor can I turn back time and change things. All I can do is learn from the experience and not take ownership of everyone else's emotions or opinions. I just have to accept the situation for how it stands and bring something joyful and amazing out of what is left. The tough and most stressful lessons ultimately will bring to the highest amount of emotional and spiritual fulfilment if I allow it to!
So over the next week, that tiny increment I have left to work with, is going to be nurtured. Regardless of the outcome between now and next Saturday, I know that others involved will put in an amazing job and do me proud. I am going to take the lessons I have learned, move forwards and most of all appreciate the fruits that come from it (whether it is sweet or bitter).