Transform

If I could be honest, these last few months have been full on and mentally testing.  But strangely enough, this week has taken the cake! This week alone has been a week of realisation, waking up and hitting the wall. 

I actually thought I was at a good place in terms of my own journey, but this week in particular made me realise I still have some self-worth work to do in terms of taking myself and life to a new level.  Thinking about it, a week after that ‘not yet’ in my audition, it really did happen for a reason.  It made me realise that some changes and decisions needed to be made in my life, especially in starting to treat myself like my own best friend (as clique as it sounds.)  I’m not kidding, I had a few days of mini anxiety attacks, not eating well, restless sleep and just feeling all-round ‘disconnected.’  I am actually thankful for a small handful of amazing loving and supportive friends who just loved on me, told it to me as it is, encouraged me to get back on the horse and just listened to my sooking. 

I found this quote about a month ago and it has become my ‘go to’ at the moment: “Serious transformations begin with two commitments – the courage to try new things and act in new ways, and the honesty needed to no longer hide from or lie to ourselves,” (Yung Pueblo.)  This was a massive revelation to me.  I have these goals, dreams and aspirations, yet I am living my life stuck in the same rut of wanting affirmation from others when I should simply be kinder to myself and give myself what I need…. Not exhausting myself constantly meeting the needs of others.  I want a specific kind of husband, yet I am not giving myself the full deep and real love that I know I really do deserve…. I need to be loved in the same way I DESIRE to be loved.  I want to of influence and do bold things, but how can I do that if I get concerned about what others think or still take things personally when things don’t work out (I’m getting better with this one, but still work to do.) If I’m not deeply confident in what I do, how will I truly show what I am capable of?  God really put that word in my heart recently:  If I really want something, I have to build, fully repair my heart and learn to love myself in the same way He loves me.  And it comes down to honesty:  Do I truly love myself in a real and authentic way?  Or am I allowing my hurts of my past and small glimpses of self-loathe play the ‘I told you so’ story?  And that all takes time and I believe it is a life time journey.  But if I want to commit to taking my life to a different level and work towards what I truly desire, I have to stop lying to myself and be prepared to change my thinking.  Some of my starting points:

1I made a decision to ‘unplug’ from social media:

I really wish I did this sooner.  It’s toxic for me at the moment.  I became disconnected mentally.  I wasted my time on it.  I began to compare.  It was becoming a bit of an addiction.  I have been off it since Wednesday night and honestly, I don’t particularly want to go back to it anytime soon.  I have enjoyed getting a better night sleep and less anxiety attacks through the day.  I’m enjoying waking up feeling a little clearer mentally.  It’s keeping me present and appreciating the time of others more in real time and keeps me accountable for what I am doing in my own time rather than comparing (which is poisonous anyway.)

2I have joined a fitness group that is away from my working fitness world:

I needed a change.  I was doing so many covers and honestly the gyms were driving me a little bonkers.  I wanted something ‘social’ where I could work hard and build my fitness without being around egos.  I’m at the end of my first week there and I loved it.  Did my first hill sprints in YEARS and it pretty much smashed me, but I loved it!  I’m just so excited about finding a different dimension to my fitness and seeing what goals I can achieve.

3I am writing my gratitude notes each day:

Where I can, I am making an effort to do this daily.  I missed a couple of days when I was at my roughest, but I will catch up on those today.  It’s actually been really nice to remind myself daily of where I am at and what great stuff is going on in my life.  Some so small and simple, but so wonderfully satisfying.  Like yesterday when I sat and watched Tayla doing gymnastics and the warm smell of chocolate beetroot cupcakes in the oven.

4I am working towards consistency in my morning routine:

I have always had a pretty solid morning routine, but lately I have been distracted, so not really taken that time in like I would have liked.  Now I want to focus on using that time as best I can (even if it’s 5 minutes) to give myself the best chance of working towards my best self.

I will keep blogging from time to time and I hope maybe I have inspired you to work on some growth and personal change.

Have a beautiful afternoon.