Beautiful Failures
(I’ll warn, this one is SUPER LONG. Probably make yourself a cuppa and get
comfy. Honestly, I could have written so
much more, but that’s for another day.
There’s a point to this post and if you’re willing to read all the way,
the point will come at the end. Enjoy!)
My life
lately has been about ‘moving up’, ‘moving forward’, seeking the ‘next thing/new
season’, becoming someone of significance that is respected. I wanted more from my life. In my mind, I wanted to believe that ‘my
breakthrough was coming.’ And I still
believe this will all happen, I can sense it… but more later.
Anyway, I 'love' when I’m frustrated, people put a mirror to me or I’m mentally reminded of
things to put myself into a place of perspective. Memories came flashing back of the
significant times I failed. The times I
could have thrown in the towel and just accepted I wasn’t ‘good enough’ and
settle for a life that truly wasn’t made for me. Here’s a list of some of the big ones…. Yes I
know, some are really suprising!
I completely stuffed up Year 12 and got a
really low OP: Would you believe I got an OP 21 (25 is the
lowest you can get)? Prior to this I was
an A/B average. I already got into Uni
for an audition-based course so I kind of just went through the motions in Year
12. I ended up passing everything and my
QCS, but did one non-OP subject and with my subject balance, my OP was woeful. I still remember sobbing on the side stairs of
the Post Office when I read the letter outside the letter box. I thought my OP
was an indication of who I was. Yes, it
limited my job options and meant I had to work harder. But I knew that I was already at Uni for something
and I could use that as a springboard to find something I wanted to do.
I had ‘crippling’ performance anxiety:
I did a vocal major at University.
I used to get the most overwhelming anxiety when it was time to
sing. I would shake, my head would
throb, I would stutter over my words, I felt the need to vomit and nearly every
time I walked out to perform I would sake perfusely and end up running off and
have a cry. I struggled for years with
it and yes, I refuse to sing for people and perform because it absolutely
petrifies me. Get me to act or speak in
front of people… no worries! I wish I
could tell you I overcame this one, but I haven’t. It actually forced me look into the why I was
scared and explore further.
I almost completely failed my final year of
University: I still remember the middle of semester 2, I
had done a performance and handed in the progress of my project. My Head Lecturer asked me in for a meeting
and told me I was on track to fail half of my subject load… so close to the
end. I was devastated! And I was the
only one, everyone else in the cohort was passing. I remember when everyone was done their last
performance, they were dancing and organising a ‘finally finished celebration.’ I wanted to crawl into a hole because I still
had more time. When results came, I had
to face the two ‘Ns’ on my report statement and look to the next year. I was going to just drop out, but a part of
me knew I had to finish, so I just did each subject over two years while working
full time waiting tables and working in Pubs.
I finished each of those subjects with a Distinction. The sweetness and excitement when I finally
finished was nothing I could truly describe.
I remember jumping straight into my car, doing a car horn lappy around
Vincent Campus then going to the pub at work for a drink. To get that degree felt so good!
I was ‘failing’ my final teacher prac so had to
drop out and redo it:
{On a side note and to give context, my Uni
days over that year consisted of getting up at about 5amish, exercise, off to Uni
before 7:30, do some study, lectures from 9:00 (or prac from 8:00 if it was
prac time), finish Uni between 4 and 5, get changed, go to work on the Pokie
shift until between midnight and 2am, go to sleep and do it all over
again. Sunday’s were spent doing Uni ALL
day… and let’s no talk about what happened during assessment and exam period!}
Various
situations (another story altogether) got me into an Education Post-Grad
degree. At the time, they did the
one-year course, basically a whole Education degree squished into two semesters…
and Prac on top of that! I was travelling along ok, but very unsure if this was
what I really wanted. I got to my final
prac, while still doing Uni and working full time and was a mess. I struggled to keep it together, my
supervising teacher was putting me under the pump and smashing me, so I had to
pull out of my final prac. I felt like a
total failure because I thought I couldn’t handle it. I decided teaching wasn’t for me and was
going to just finish out the Uni year and just hit the hospitality gig full
time. The next year, I received an email
from the Uni asking if I was going to finish my final prac and a spot was on
offer if I wanted to take it. I was
reluctant but realised it would be poor form if I did all that work and went
through all that heart ache to just leave with 5 weeks of prac to go. So I accepted. I had to go back to the same school, but had
a different supervising teacher. He was
one of the best supervising teachers I ever worked for and I am absolutely
grateful that he gave me so many tools to start my teaching career.
My Miscarriage, struggle to fall pregnant again
and near death after having Tayla: I fell
pregnant at the end of 2007 and due in 2008.
It was a surprise but at the time I was super excited to become a
mum. My dream of a baby before 25 was
going to happen! I got into the second
trimester and thought I was good and safe.
And then I got head exhaustion at 16 weeks and miscarried a day
later. Miscarriage sucks! Imagine feeling like you’re being stabbed in
the guts then start to hemorriage through the house, get to the hospital
sobbing then be told you’ve lost your child?
It’s hard. And then the next day
looking at the ultrasound you saw a day earlier, one day a healthy heart beat
and the next day nothing. It took just
over a year to get pregnant again, that being with my Tayla. As much as I still wonder sometimes about the
baby that never was, I can’t imagine my life without Tayla. She is my sunshine… my everything. Hearing her cry and holding her for the first
time was indescribable – I honestly can’t put it into words.
But a week
after she was born, I got quite sick. I
got so unwell, I hemoraged when she was a week old and nearly bled to
death. Thankfully I lived around the
corner from the ambulance and they were onto me pretty quick. It was a bit of a journey to recover and have
life back to ‘normal’ again, but I pulled through and I am reminded when I
think back to that situation that tomorrow isn’t always guaranteed and it’s an
awesome miracle I am still here. So
world… I am not done yet!
I completely bombed my first teaching job and
was almost deemed ‘unsuitable to teach:’
I was put
into a Music Teaching position by Ed QLD in a school that wanted someone else
and fought to have this person and not me.
So deep down I always felt like I never belonged there. I had no support, advice, observations of any
sort, and was just thrown into the deep end:
7 x Year 8 Music classes, 1 x Year 9 Music class, and 1x Year 9 SOSE
class. Basically, I had to teach a specific
format with no allowance for adjustment, in a style that clearly wasn’t
suitable for the cohort. The kids were
forced to do the class once a week for an entire year and I stepped in during
term 3 (so can you imagine how ‘fun’ it would have been?) My SOSE class were pure ‘evil.’ They used to save their lunch and hunt down
broken pencils just so they could throw them at the fans and trash the room
when I taught the period 7 lesson. And
then the one day I was lining up my most ‘feral’ Year 8 Music class and the
Principal at the time telling me how to teach my class in front of the kids (I
pretty much lost complete control of that class for the rest of the time I was
there.) I remember crying at my desk
nearly every afternoon, offered little support or counsel and upon going to the
Doctor, told the stress in my blood was at dangerous levels. I sat my suitability interview towards the
end of that year (story in itself.) And
did not have my contract renewed at the end of the year (ironically, I was
introduced to the teacher ‘they wanted’ during a lunch break when they were
showing my desk and then bought in for a meeting. The following year I was wondering why I
couldn’t get a job. After constant
following up, them not answering calls, etc, they finally told me I was given a
low rating and had to do 200 days of relief at state schools to be deemed a ‘suitable
teacher.’ It broke me. I never wanted to walk into a classroom
again. I wanted to just hide from the
entire world. I felt embarrassed in
myself.
But I knew
I had to keep moving, even if it was one step at a time, constantly working
through what I needed to fix and learning to find faith that maybe I wasn’t so
bad. Then, just when I was about to
completely throw in the towel, Calvary took me on… I put some work in… did the
slog, fell, picked myself up, took on feedback even when I felt frustrated,
continued to pick myself up despite stuff going on. Now I feel proud of who I am as an educator
and believe I am rocking this teacher gig.
I still have some learning, but imagine if I gave up 10 years ago? Imagine the kids I would have never
impacted? Imagine where my life would be
now? Judging from where it was then,
probably not that far at all! I have
been so blessed for my perseverance.
I got a home rental approval overturned 2 days
after signing the contract: This one might not seem like
much. But let me tell you, if I came face to face with the Agent who did this,
I would likely give them a massive hug and shout them a drink (Remax Excellence
back in 2010, in-case anyone is wondering.)
Long story short, my partner at the time, myself and my then 6-month old
daughter didn’t have the lease renewed in the house we were at the time and
found two that we applied for: One in
Music Court near a friend of my ex’s who was an alcoholic as well and the other
was in Mundey Court right near the College I work at now and next to the
church. We got approved the one in Music
Court and had signed the contract. I
remember getting a phone call the next day letting us know that we actually had
to wait because the ‘owner was overseas.’
We were cranky because we had nowhere to live. The next day the house in Mundey Court was
offered. My ex was still hopeful the one
on Music Court was going to be approved but I was stubborn and took the one in
Mundey Court.
Can I tell
you something? If it wasn’t for that, I
would have never picked up more work at Calvary, I would never attended the
church, never found Christ and I don’t even want to begin to imagine what my
life would have been like now. A frustration then became a blessing later. This is all a part of a bigger story in
itself!
I failed my first fitness certification videos
three times (not Les Mills.): I had an interesting start of
choreographed group fitness. I struggled
to get double digits in a class, teaching a program that was not ideal for
me. Participants were complaining about
how bad I was and the GFM was ready to give up on me. No mentor, no real plan
or direction. Just walking in hoping for
the best. Even when I sent my certification
videos, the assessor respectfully asked me if I really wanted to do this and if
it was really for me? I told her I would
do what it took and she mentored me in order to help me pass (I had to send
three videos and then I passed with conditions that I had to send a video every
quarter for evaluation for one year.) I
then jumped on a Spin bike and my ‘life as an instructor’ changed for the
better. I took on Pump and Grit and felt
my confidence slowly build as an instructor.
I practiced, reflected, revised, learned to read my participants better,
filmed myself, watched educational videos, worked on building my
self-confidence as an instructor. To
think I nearly gave up…. Now I am in demand, teach several classes, are an
Advanced Elite Pump instructor and working (slowly) towards one day getting on
the QLD team. But it started with a
decision to not give up when the cards were against me. And I am soooo thankful for how I have been
rewarded.
So if you
got to this stage, wahoo… go you!
Honestly, I have so many more stories to tell, but these were the main
ones that have impacted my ability to be resilient. Every time I ‘fail’ I am reminded of these situations
and comforted in the fact that I can overcome and be successful. I just have to choose to put the work in,
listen, learn and accept where I am and where I want to be. I want to be better, I want to encourage
others, I want to motivate and impact, I want to do my bit towards being the
answer. So, awesome people, if someone
like me can get to where I am now, anyone reading this can. I am not gifted, nor am I perfect, but I am willing and determined.
Please be encouraged that
you are capable of anything. You just
have to be prepared to choose.
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