Facing the 'Big Boss' (journey so far...)

I’ve considered posting a blog here and there while I am working through some stuff (as per my last blog). I have things I journal which are my private thoughts, but I want to post some things in the hope that maybe someone may find encouragement that they are not alone and that everything will be ok :-).

As I mentioned in my last post, I am dealing with my own head stuff.  I feel the box has opened to things I have needed to address for a very long time (like most of my life) and now I need to face it head on.  I’ve avoided dealing with my stuff in the act of keeping busy and distracted in the hope that things will just work out and that in my business and achievements I will find the joy I have been looking for.

Being busy started off with good intention.  If you have read one of the first posts in this blog I talked into my situation and how I’ve raised my child solo while dealing with some dynamics within that past connection.  Being busy was necessary to build my life back up from nothing to something that can inspire T to be the best version of herself.  I like to hope I was successful in this regard.  If anything, I have achieved beyond ANYTHING I set out to do back in 2012.  

Within all of this however, I’ve had to journey periodically with my thoughts.  If you know or have ever met anyone with deep confidence issues due to negative past experiences know it’s a journey to find peace and confidence within self.  My issue is I tend to downplay my achievements and make them seem way smaller than they actually are.  Or I will actively compare myself to someone else, such as if I experience a break up I will assume they like another woman and internally compare myself and tick my ‘short comings.’ Or I will self-talk myself down that I could have done more or over analyse something someone has said and take it personally.  I guess I deal with these at different intensities depending on what’s going on and my own stress levels.

So I hid behind a very busy life with a desire to constantly achieve to prove to myself that I am worthy.  That I can do great things.  That I am enough.  If I keep achieving and doing really well for myself I essentially give myself ‘evidence’ that I am good enough. Over the years I have been putting in the work to work through that, and for the most part I have overcome most of it (praise God!) But there comes a point where God places you in the path of making you work through the things you keep putting things off.

I had something happen at the start of the holidays which hit me a lot harder than it really should have. And then around the same time, I completely burnt out from being so busy for so long and just went into sickness and exhaustion so I had to stay home and rest.  On top of that, social media was driving me into a mental spiral which I just couldn’t manage so I had to get rid of it for my own sanity.  So… with that… I had to face up to my ‘big boss’: myself. My thoughts. My inner stuff.

I have been doing the work in this area and providing myself with the love, space and support I need.  I have been talking kindness into myself, listening to relevant podcasts and audiobooks which I know will help me, resuming counselling to talk through stuff, doing my hair, making the extra effort to make myself look and feel good, getting into nature and whatever I happen to need that day.  I want to be deliberate in getting myself out of that stuff, not because I have issues with myself, but because I deserve love and all good things. I deserve happiness without talking myself down. I deserve to take on goals and be proud of myself without downplaying based on the validation of others.  I want to feel that deeper sense of joy that I can take that negative and flawed side of me and just love her so deeply that I can be fully confident in myself and who I am.  I want to fall in love not just with myself fully and wholly but with someone else. I am mostly there, but I still have some work to go.  And I will get there. With time and the right tools, I will get there and with that, I will look back and see the growth I have made.

So yeah, to anyone who finds this and reads it... and maybe finds something positive in this... hi there! 

Have a lovely night :-)