All though my life I have gone through the motions of trying to people please. In fact I have written a few entries about it this year - the reality is I am working on dealing with issues of 'rejection' which are getting better the further I journey. Anyway, things have happened in my life in recent times where my feelings of 'rejection' have been stretched and tested. People who I thought were important figures in my life have walked away from me and others who I have tried so hard to gain the respect of just don't budge.
The words "am I good enough?" and "have I done enough" had again started to resonate through my head and really try to take over my thinking. Those toxic words make doing life so much harder because I am now filled with a higher weight of expectation to meet those 'needs'.
But last week I had an encounter that really challenged me in how I approached myself and others. It's also challenged me to reflect on the words that manefiest in my thinking. I was drawn to a particular section of Psalm 91:
"I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whole I trust." For He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday."
This was actually the first verse that was spoken over me when I was first saved two years ago. Even today I still hold that verse very close to my heart as it's a reminder that God has a promise for me no matter how tough things get. This verse is a vote of confidence that I am worthy enough to be loved and accepted. In the mist of all this and the days after I was challenged to instil three phrases into my vocabularly, no matter how much I wanted to ignore it:
1. I am worthy.
2. I will never please everyone.
3. Never apologise for who I am.
My life isn't perfect and my past is very flawed, which sadly does impact some relationships in my life whether I accept it or not. The reality is my past happened, but it should never define my worth in what I have now. Not everyone will jump on board and 'like me' but that's ok. The core of what I want is for others to see the heart of who I am and respect that. i can't get along with everyone and accepting that does take a lot of pressure off my shoulders. Not everyone understands the direction my life has taken, and that's ok - the important point is my changes have been acknowledged.
One thing I will say with much conviction is I will NEVER apologise for who I am. I am loud, a little weird and not everyone's cup of tea, but I will never change who I am nor the heart of who I am to for the sake of popularity. I know it would take a very strong, understanding and tolerant man to want to marry me and my closest friends are some of the strongest, beautiful, tolerant and most patient people I know. But those people understand the heart of who I am and know that I never apologise for who I am nor will change for acceptance. That mentality took a really long time to build and those people who are close to me know that (by the way THANK YOU TO THOSE PEOPLE…. I LOVE YOU!!!). I wasn't placed on this Earth to be popular or accepted, I was already accepted by my Father in Heaven because I was even conceived. I was placed on this Earth to encourage, minister, love and influence - the amount I message these to is irrelevant.
My final word of encouragement to those who are reading this is to simply remember the heart of who you are. Not your external 'treasures' or people involved. Who are you? Are you meeting your heart purpose or is it caught up in trying to be accepted by others?