A Loving Moment
Today's blog is a little all over the place. This is one of those let it all out blogs! I hope that you can see that even in my strength, I have moments of weakness too. I battle with fears and hurts like anyone else. So note that my entry might be a little all over the place….. but you get the point! ;-)
The last two weeks have been a pretty 'up and down' time for me in terms of my personal walk. I honestly don't know if I had a day in that time where I at least didn't cry once or even start to well up and hold back. During that time my feelings of rejection escalated and self-worth took a massive belting. On the outside, I seemed ok, but deep down I just felt so defeated and angry with the world. All the why questions started floating through my head…… to be honest all I wanted was to just lie in a heap on the couch and stare mindlessly at the TV!!! At one point in that two weeks I started to question if this journey I am going through in my life was even worth while.
But there were several small events late last week where I was carefully and lovingly nudged back on my path. I was encouraged that I've benefited more from the process than I could ever imagine and that I've impacted and encouraged so many. I've come to learn that when you cry for help, God's hand is always lovingly there to guide you to help…… I felt like I was reminded of two verses (and these two I hold really really close to me):
"He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your amour and protection." (Psalm 91:4)
"Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness on her tongue." (Proverbs 31:25-26).
I think I've said it a few times in this blog, but in my strength and growing, I am addressing my weaknesses (and yes I struggle like anyone else). I battle with acceptance of my identity as a person and how it links to my purpose and worth in the world. and an on-going fear of rejection. I am getting more equipped to deal with it, but I still have a way to go but are getting help for it. I continually analyse what I do and say because I am so scared of coming across as an idiot. I sometimes get scared to do what I feel is right for me because I don't want to be judged or rejected for who I am. When you go through those emotions and you can't control them, it can manifest itself into this feeling of separation between your identity and simply trying to fit into the mainstream. I think this storm I went through over the last two weeks has taught me to rebuild that relationship with my individuality and that trust that this journey is for the greater good in my emotional healing.
I remember going to hear Julia A'bel on Thursday and she preached about individuality and bringing that to the table in God's kingdom. About using who you are as a person to minister to others and to prosper yours and other's lives. She talked about how's there's only ONE YOU. You have a part to play in this world and when you know who YOU are, it's easier to work towards it. I admit at the time I didn't feel like she was speaking to me….. in fact I felt like I wasted my time!!!
Then Thursday night I poured my heart out in an email to a friend from work - which honestly….. I hate doing that!!! But there was this moment on Friday where through chatting with this woman, I realised I wasn't alone. I actually thought for years that this woman was so strong, together and focused. I was always in awe of how in control she was. But she made me realise something. That in the mist of our togetherness and strength on the outside, we all have a place in our heart that is breaking…. or something we're crying for. It's how we work through the steps and come to love ourselves and who we are that changes the course of the race. It's also our continual trust that God is on us through our tough seasons to prepare us for the next one.
Then today I had a small revelation. I have something to bring to the table…. I have lots of things to bring to the table!!! I have a my big smile, loud/ colourful/chatterbox personality, bad humour, big heart, loyalty and devotion to those close to me, an outside the square approach to life, the desire to enjoy what I do, the desire to encourage others to do the same, the desire to live an honest life and be the best mother, daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, worker, and individual and I can be. Those who truly care and love me will love me for who I am and they are the ones that I want to walk with. Why do I keep crying over what I have to do to be like the those who don't care? It's my time to fall in love with every element of myself and through that the right people who are meant to walk with me will do so. Even in the short time I am exercising this, I am already feeling so much peace within myself. I mean really???? Why should I deny myself the right to live the life through my true colours?