2019: A Resolution for the Year Ahead

I don’t know about anyone else here, but I am still trying to get over how fast 2018 has gone! Yesterday my 2018 resolutions came up in my Facebook memories and if I was honest, it was a mixed bag of achievement. I did some cool things this year, but it was nothing full on or with huge shifts like recent years.  And if I was truly honest, that’s not really what I wanted for 2018 anyway.  Some of the stuff I didn’t achieve wasn’t as great as I thought it would be or required me to change in other areas of my life to make them happen… or even opened my eyes to where I was really at.  When I look back at my resolutions, I wanted so much rather than looked into the core reason why I wanted them:  To simply be loved and respected by others.  

So I have set one resolution:  To actually and authentically be ok with who I am and do more things to fill my bucket.

Before I continue, this isn’t saying that I have low self-esteem, I have no respect for myself or my life is terrible, not even the slightest!  It’s actually about me making a decision to put myself first more often and not get so caught up in people’s opinions and perceptions of me.  Without really realising I get so caught up in the opinions of those who don’t truly matter and I seem to base a lot of emotional growth and decisions on that… which in the end causes me to feel a deep level of dissatisfaction some days.  I also occasionally get ‘stuck in the rut’ of believing that I should have achieved certain things by now in various areas of my life.

So here are four things I am taking with me in 2019:

1. Actually and genuinely stop getting caught up wondering what people think of me or trying to meet other people’s expectations.

I can get into a bit of a duck persona some days.  On the surface level I can appear chilled but deep down I am analysing EVERYTHING.  Did I do that right?  Should I have said that?  They probably think I am useless?  I need to make sure I get this right.  Why did I miss that? Stupid decision there… I could go on!  I have gotten way better with this, but I still have some work to do.  I am looking at a few visual strategies to help with this so I recognise the signs before I get caught up.  

2. Allowing myself to carry people’s judgements of me.

I hate using the ‘because of the past’ comment, but I still do get caught up in people’s judgement due to bullying and various other events in my adult life.  I actually know people aren’t judging me,  and the ones that are obviously need to sort themselves and their motives out, but I sometimes get into the stupid headspace of judgement and perception being the reason why I didn’t get something.  Yes there probably are instances where this is the case, but it’s way less than I allow my mind to take on.  People are entitled to their opinion of me, but it’s not my job to change it.  People are entitled to have their judgement of my life choices, but it’s not my job to allow that to impact my decisions and how I feel.  I am not everyone’s cup of tea and that is totally fine. 

3. Being 100% ok with where I am in my life right now.

I have my days where I feel like I have to have achieved specific things by now because of my age or where I am at professionally.  Some days I feel the weight of expectation that I should be married or have more children because I am in my mid 30’s.  Some days I feel like I should be higher up the food chain my professional life because it seems to make logical sense to me.  

I am constantly reminding myself that I’m living my life to what is right for me.  I don’t have to meet someone right now.  I can wait for the right one to come into my life - settling isn’t an option.  And I don’t have to feel the pressure to do something because what I feel expected to do.  I don’t have to have more children if I am happy with just one.  I can always choose to adopt one day or maybe I will meet someone with children. But for now I am satisfied with just having one child and going on adventures together.  Most days Tayla is happy with that too.

Some days I feel like I should be doing more as a teacher, teaching a certain way or trying to do something bigger outside of the classroom.  Although that would a cool, I know the classroom is where I belong right now.  The kids need me and I am still growing as a teacher too.  That pathway will come if it's meant to.  Opportunities will come if they are meant to.  For now I am still impressed I made it to ten years of teaching (cue awkward laugh here...)

Some days I carry the expectation I have to look a certain way to be a good instructor.  I sometimes feel like I have to look a certain way to be respected by participants who come to my class.  I try to lose weight and it’s not as easy as it used to be.   I remind myself that those members who choose to come back appreciate what I do when they walk in the room and how great I make them feel from my positive presence rather than how lean I am.  

I am healthy, I have an amazing and healthy daughter, I own a safe and beautiful home, I have amazing fur babies, I have two stable jobs,  I have the ability to do most things independently, I have some great people in my life.   Right now, in this moment, I have everything I need.  Everything after this is a bonus.  

4. Embracing who I am 100% and believing everyday that I am loved.

As I mentioned, I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and I am ok with that.  I always craved this ideal of being loved and respected by many because I felt then I have ‘made it.’  But ultimately, why should that really matter?  I am loved and respected by those who truly matter, so why am I caught up in those who actually don’t matter at all.  I am quirky, a little odd, unconventional, creative, smart.  I have so much to offer, but my biggest thing is to be more present to those who actually matter.  If someone isn’t willing to put the effort in, then be ok with it and move on.  

I feel like if I start to work on these four even more, the rest of the things I want will truly fall into place.  Hope you all have a happy new year and an amazing 2019.  Love to you all!