Distant Heartbeat

I don't know if anyone will read this, but if you do, I hope you take something away from it today.  It's been almost three years since I left Tayla's father, and although life is going well in terms of home, purpose, finances, etc, I still feel like I am missing that companion to share it all with me.  

I suppose you're asking yourself, 'well if she wanted companionship, then why didn't she just stay where she was?'.  It wasn't that easy.
At the time leaving was the viable option because I felt alone and miserable in that relationship.  I was completely fine with being a single parent, although every now and then I craved companionship, but no where near as much as I do now.  My daughter is now at school age and keeps saying how much she wants me to be with someone that loves me as much as she does.  And I feel so many different ways about it:  pain because I want it too, disappointment because I feel like what I want is unobtainable and disappointment because I can't give my daughter what she desires.
Don't get me wrong, I have been on dates, but no one has really set my heart on fire to the point where I want to settle down with them.  And admittedly, it becomes a foot scrapping on the floor exercise after a while.  I tend to only go on one/ maybe two dates a year (because how else am I going to meet people?  Unfortunately they don't just pop out of nowhere) and they tend to get more disappointing the more I go on them.  I actually hate dating now because it's such a horrid and complicated experience!

I will admit, I have been feeling really down about this area of my life lately and I don't feel bad about feeling that way, but it's a desire that I have.  All single mothers deep down have a desire to have a father/ mother in the home whether they admit it or not.  But I am really trying to push past the hurt, anxiety, impatience and disappointment and trying really hard to see the positive through all this.  I try to see this season like this:

1. I have an opportunity to teach Tayla that it's not worth settling, miracles come from patience, persistence and growing within yourself.
2. I have an opportunity to have the man I truly desire and who is right for myself and Tayla.
3. I have more time to develop as a whole person before combining my whole self with someone else.
4. I have an opportunity to develop patience - something I struggle with.
5. I have an opportunity to demonstrate to Tayla the strength a woman possesses within herself.
6.  I can devote more love and attention to the family I have in-front of me right now.
7.  I have the chance to be grateful for the blessings I do have and to be grateful for the loving companion I will have in the future.
8.  Although I feel like crap now, I can hold onto the confidence that when he finally comes along, he will have the gift of love, patience, companionship, family, passion, and that rugged new man smell (:-P)
9.  I have a chance to develop faith in something bigger than what I have in-front of me right now.
10.  I have the chance to receive something bigger in my life beyond anything I could ever imagine possible.

So single ladies/ gentlemen, single mummas/pappas, widows/widowers, hang onto hope and know that many others share your desire, it's a natural desire to be loved and give love.  Don't be ashamed of it and be kind to yourself when things aren't going how you wanted.  Hold onto hope that something bigger and more glorious is out there than you could have ever imagined.  In the meantime, keep being you…. beautiful and amazing you!

Love you all xx


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