Walking away

Are you currently in a place in your life where you feel like you keep falling backwards or people in your life are stopping you from moving forwards?  Or maybe there are issues that are draining you so much that it's starting to manifest itself into your attitude and everything that surrounds it.  Or maybe there are so many hurtful words being spoken about you that it questions and tests your character.

We've all been there.  I was especially in that position last year.

I was in a five year relationship with an alcoholic.  Now anyone who has been through (or is going through this) would know the difficulties associated with it.  It's emotionally draining and their behaviours begin to manifest themselves in your life (after all if you can't beat them, join them...).  You fall into the routine and lose sight of your rightful purpose in life.  Your life becomes this rigid and mindless routine, but all you care about it making others happy.  From there you completely lose yourself in the worry of being told you're worthless or constantly be surrounded by alcohol and drugs and be expected to be ok with it.  There is no worth living with an alcoholic.  And if you think you can change them, you're wrong.  All the words, gestures and role modelling in the world will never change that.  All you're doing is straining yourself trying to fit a triangle into a circle.  Ultimately it's their conscious decision to change.  

For a record, this isn't a cop-out about this person, I am merely demonstrating to you what got me to a point of walking away.  He's actually a decent person when he's not heavily drinking, it's a journey that he has to walk on his own in his own time.  

Anyway, the turning point came when the relationship became really toxic.  I was bullied called some pretty hurtful things.  I craved validation from this person and I got the complete opposite.  I was crying myself to sleep every night because I felt like I was stuck in a mindless rut of beer runs and being treated like an object.  My integrity and character was stretched and I really started to hate myself more for allowing myself to be treated like this.  Then a time came where I had to decide.....  I had to walk away. Not only for the sake of my sanity, but for everyone's.  It wasn't an easy decision for me because it was a massive leap of faith.  I didn't know what was going to come from it.  I didn't know how I was going to support myself, if I was going to get a house, how I was going to start again.  I had never been so scared in my entire life.  I spent some of the first 6 months afterwards crying myself to sleep because it's scary taking such a leap and having to learn and grow on your own.  

But looking at things today, I am so glad I did it.  That tiny step of just walking away has created a large staircase towards a beautiful palace.  I have my own place to live (which I set up on my own from scratch - and my sister helped me with some moving), I work and pay my own bills, I raise my child part time (that in itself was a leap of faith.... different story altogether), and all the other things I never thought I was have the time or energy to do.  

But the biggest thing I am glad of is finding God.  In his strength, I am discovering myself.  I am finding the strength to walk away from situations that don't grow me.  I am finding the strength to simply say no.  I am finding the strength to see things from a positive light and being thankful for everything I have.  Walking away isn't easy, but if it's for the right purpose then it will find ways to work out in the end. 

So the biggest piece of encouragement I offer you today is if you're in a situation where you feel like you're being emotionally suffocated, or maybe the circumstance you're in isn't leading you on the right path..... pray and ask for guidance.  Talk to someone outside the circumstance.  Look at it from the outside.  Is it something that has manifested itself into your life in a negative way?  Is it stunting your emotional growth?  Find the strength to walk way, learn from your circumstance and find ways to move forward.  You're too beautiful and precious to allow an untamable storm to drown you!