Control Freak

Hi I'm Krystal and I am a bit of a control freak.

One of the biggest things that increases my anxiety levels is not knowing what's around the corner, where I stand or not being in control of a situation.  I am one of those people that I have to know what's ahead so I can mentally plan what I need to do next.  I don't have a serious problem where I cry in a corner and and go bonkers, I just like to have some sort of emotional security like anyone else.  This is just the outlet where I get my emotional security.

This year has been one of those years where this issue has been stretched and tested at the moment.  There are so many facets of my life where I really don't have the amount of control that I'm used to.  If I'm not in control of a situation, I can have the tendancy of going into 'panic mode' and allowing it manifest into my thinking.  And it does eat me up a little inside although you may not see it. I admit I've had a few moments this year where I've just need to pull off to the side of a few days and recharge or meditate on the fact that letting go of the need for control is important to grow.  And it's a very difficult thing to do.  In this year of growth that I am going through, there are three lessons which are the hardest to learn:

• How to let go
• How to accept when something is beyond my control
• How to trust that everything has a purpose and it will all work out in the end

For me this is really hard work.  I constantly have to remind myself of these things.  Trust is a very difficult thing for me to give because I have  been burnt so many times.  I think the control aspect is a way of deliberately trying to avoid the practice of trusting in others and purposes.  But I continually pray and remind myself that the bigger picture is more important and I will be so thankful when I see it.

Last night at Creative Arts, Michelle actually touched on something that really spoke to me.  She talked about the concept of 'looking vs seeing'.  Do you just 'look' at the situation and make the judgement from what is right there in front of you or do you 'see' what's head and what good can come from the situation?  I'm trying really hard to practice that.  There are so many elements of my life I would love more control over or maybe even different, but I really need to stop seeing them like that and start looking to what will become of all these things.  I standing where I am to be pulled from my comfort zone in order to learn and grow.  I need to take this time to strengthen my weaknesses, let go of the hurts and heal myself.  The more I do these things, the more I will be rewarded with the next stepping stone in my life journey.

In finishing, I have really taken on this verse and quote lately to help me overcome my need for control:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding; in all ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

"To let go of what is lost, even though letting go is painful.  To reach for what can be, even though we're doubtful. To live as though we're brave, even when we're fearful.  These are the trials we face, and the choices we make along the way." (Sandra Kring)

Enjoy your day. :-)