Returning to Self

As I have mentioned for many years within my posts, I have been single for a very long time.  And while I have had seasons where I have genuinely really enjoyed it based on stuff that’s happened in past (loved the freedom), I have had seasons where I have struggled with it.  I’m naturally that type of person who has an expectation that if I work on something and follow ‘steps and a process’ I will get an outcome. And I guess that’s been my internal struggle of late, without going into detail stuff happened which made me feel like I was closer, but it didn’t work out.  And with that made me feel that struggle that I’m actually further away from being with someone that I thought I was.  I mean also dealing with those feelings in the middle of mental burnout from other things didn’t really help either, but here we are! I’ve been trying to overcome burnout while dealing with some tricky feelings.

All of this aside, I am reaching a point where I’m really not enjoying feeling like that anymore and don’t feel like ‘me’ right now.  I want to love where I am at right now because that’s where the best version of me comes alive and I feel more fun and present for myself and those closest to me.  So with that, I’m working on making peace with the following things:

1. I need to invest more time in nurturing myself. I need to feel like me and not the shell of me who is waiting on acceptance from others.
2. I need to get out there and invest time in quality in person connections (this one is a story for another blog)
3. I need to fall in love with being single again and find that acceptance that this season is a blessing, not a ‘waiting.’

I’ve made a decision to make some very intentional decisions to fall in love with being single again and really emotionally unpack why it’s so important for me to embrace.  I’m really starting to understand and come to peace with the possibly that maybe I’m still in this space because God really wants me to work on my feelings and views in this area and find peace in where I am right now in this moment.  It’s actually kind of ironic to admit that when I’m seeking out dating possibilities I’m the most stressed I’ve ever been and start abandoning myself.  But when I’m really enjoying my own company and doing things that really make me happy, I’m actually truly happy (because I have no one to impress).

As of today, I’m starting a 2 month ‘return to myself’ timeline.  Essentially:

• I bought a guided journal which I have already started writing in.
• I’m going to make the effort to have at least one in person catch up with someone once a fortnight, even when I don’t feel like it.
• I’m creating a ‘single gratitude’ jar where I write down one thing that I’m super grateful to have while being single and will read over them January 1st.  I’ll add them to a mood board to remind me of how lucky I have it.
• Miss T and I also (about a week ago) started a gratitude session called ‘slay of the day’ where we both say things which we loved about our day no matter the size.  We usually do it over dinner or on the car ride home from school.

I am writing about this because I want to keep myself accountable for this.  I know I need this season to really truly work on myself again, especially have being so hectic and other life things.  I need this time to truly find comfort in this season.  No stressing about when it will happen, but rather gratitude that I’ve got great things happening for me right now. 

Love to you all!